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have fun, then. let me know what your boyfriend thinks of it all.
[ There’s a beat where he hesitates. Savoring that one last moment before Quentin knows. That last, precious second. Thinking of the cages. The void. The party. The castle. The strawflower. Pressed in his journal.
And he lets it go. ]
I fucked Danny.
And he lets it go. ]
I fucked Danny.
[ Yeah, he remembers being covered in bruises all the way up to his jaw. He showed up for the clinic shifts he shared with Junpei looking like that more often than not. Jealousy bites at the edges of his horror, his worry. ]
So you were--drugged. You were turning. You had some kind of--deal or exchange or something.
So you were--drugged. You were turning. You had some kind of--deal or exchange or something.
Bullshit, it was inevitable! You could say no, you could have said it then, you could say it now! Junpei--Junpei, you--fuck this--
[ He cuts the line. Whatever peace, relief, or new anxiety Junpei feels in the absence of contact, he's allowed to sit with it for all of ten minutes before the relative quiet of the clinic is broken by Quentin slamming through the front door. Whatever Junpei is doing, hopefully he can drop it easily; Quentin grabs him by the arm and drags him to the back, as if the wall between the main room and the back will keep anyone from hearing then.
[ He lets Junpei go once they're inside, but he blocks the door bodily, demands, quavering: ] What did I do? You can tell me. If I did something to make you--if I said something, you can tell me. I can hear it!
[ He cuts the line. Whatever peace, relief, or new anxiety Junpei feels in the absence of contact, he's allowed to sit with it for all of ten minutes before the relative quiet of the clinic is broken by Quentin slamming through the front door. Whatever Junpei is doing, hopefully he can drop it easily; Quentin grabs him by the arm and drags him to the back, as if the wall between the main room and the back will keep anyone from hearing then.
[ He lets Junpei go once they're inside, but he blocks the door bodily, demands, quavering: ] What did I do? You can tell me. If I did something to make you--if I said something, you can tell me. I can hear it!
[ The feeling is sharp, sour. Painful. But he’s prepared for that to be the end.
And then it’s very much not.
It’s clear from how pale he gets when Quentin grabs his arm, how much the color drains from him as he’s questioned once they’re in the back room.
He can’t look him in the eyes. But he doesn’t wiggle away. This is what he earned, and he’s going to force himself to stay every excruciating second. ]
You’re still trying to find excuses for me. There aren’t any.
And then it’s very much not.
It’s clear from how pale he gets when Quentin grabs his arm, how much the color drains from him as he’s questioned once they’re in the back room.
He can’t look him in the eyes. But he doesn’t wiggle away. This is what he earned, and he’s going to force himself to stay every excruciating second. ]
You’re still trying to find excuses for me. There aren’t any.
I'm not--christ! [ He laughs frantically, both hands tearing through his hair. The tension helps the itch in his knuckles, but not the problem rattling his thoughts. He's dismayed; he's pissed. ] I don't want a fucking excuse, I wanna know why! I wanna know why, why, why--why, you know what he did to me! Not just the end of it, you saw what he did to woo me, you've already seen all his tricks! So why the fuck, Junpei?
[ In stark contrast, Junpei is very still. An oil painting cast in shadows both real and imagined. His voice devoid of color. ]
Last year. During the cages. A guy tried to jump me.
Danny stopped him. Offered to cut off his dick for me. I think he expected me to be spooked.
I wasn’t.
I wanted him to do it. Was excited at the thought. That’s the first time I felt it.
Last year. During the cages. A guy tried to jump me.
Danny stopped him. Offered to cut off his dick for me. I think he expected me to be spooked.
I wasn’t.
I wanted him to do it. Was excited at the thought. That’s the first time I felt it.
[ His face twists up: annoyance, disgust, disbelief. ] So what--you felt like a real badass then, and you thought "hey lets be friends"? Are you friends? Do you talk? You seemed pretty fucking friendly with him the other day, was that when that started?
We aren’t friends.
[ The word feels wrong in every possible way for whatever the hell he has with Danny. There’s no bond. There’s no joy. There’s no affection. ]
I don’t even like him.
I just need what he has. And he knows it.
[ That feeling. That rush. ]
[ The word feels wrong in every possible way for whatever the hell he has with Danny. There’s no bond. There’s no joy. There’s no affection. ]
I don’t even like him.
I just need what he has. And he knows it.
[ That feeling. That rush. ]
That I won’t be involved with him. That I won’t fuck him. Or talk to him. That when he calls me …
[ A hard swallow on something that won’t go down. ]
… beautiful … when he tells me he wants me … speaks to the part of me that’s hungry … that I won’t give in.
[ A hard swallow on something that won’t go down. ]
… beautiful … when he tells me he wants me … speaks to the part of me that’s hungry … that I won’t give in.
[ He does want all those things. Wants them fiercely enough that the inference that they are impossible stirs up an anger that has the edges of his vision rimmed in white. This was supposed to be his friend. This was supposed to be a safe place for him to turn to. (The mess he had with Danny was supposed to be something special, how can he just do it again with--)
[ Maybe it's not only anger clouding his head. Quentin's cheeks puff up with a sharp breath out. It shakes tears loose along with it. Starve a fever: don't feed the fire that Danny is stoking in Junpei. It's okay. It's okay. His voice is tight, but that's okay. ]
How about--you won't let him hurt you. Your heart.
And you won't talk about me with him.
[ Maybe it's not only anger clouding his head. Quentin's cheeks puff up with a sharp breath out. It shakes tears loose along with it. Starve a fever: don't feed the fire that Danny is stoking in Junpei. It's okay. It's okay. His voice is tight, but that's okay. ]
How about--you won't let him hurt you. Your heart.
And you won't talk about me with him.
He … can’t hurt my heart. He doesn’t have access to my heart. It’s not … like that.
[ Firmly. Stubbornly. Wishing he wasn’t so pathetic. ]
I don’t love him Quentin. This is … something else.
[ And, looking at the floor timidly. ]
We don’t talk about you.
[ Firmly. Stubbornly. Wishing he wasn’t so pathetic. ]
I don’t love him Quentin. This is … something else.
[ And, looking at the floor timidly. ]
We don’t talk about you.
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