"If there was a button that killed everyone I hated, I probably wouldn't press it ... but if there was a button that killed everyone who hated me, I'd press it without hesitation."
That - that is always my... my task, is't it? Making people feel better. When they — they make the mistakes!
[ She's so upset, and so angry, and so upset.
And decides then, that he was going to listen to it, listen to her vent whether it mattered or not because it needs to go somewhere and she feels like being selfish, feels like taking and stomping her feet and yelling at anyone and everything. ]
'S not fair. I have been - been so bitter - at you. Sometimes. I did not get to — to be young. Did not get to — to make mistakes. Even when everyone made me feel like always was making them. When was your age, I was running a Kingdom 'cause my brother did not want to do — accounts. The boring parts, no one wants to do, too, just like that! 'Stop crying, Gilly! You know I hate it!'
Sisters and brothers got to run around, playing at the taverns, but I had to worry, worry for everyone, before I even turn- turnet-- turned - ten and eight, I had to know what famine stocks we had — and how many sheep were lambing — and how many childr'n died to the spring sickness — not be upset, and always be fair, and never smile, never laugh, never scowl! Did not even teach me to read until had too, and still can't do it — good. Did not even have what I wanted — be married, and have little — little hall of my own to have my own — kitchen and — my own flowers to hang on the door.
Then come here! And everyone says 'don't be s' proper, don't be soooo serious, don't need courting and politics — have what you want'.
But can't, can I? I wanted Cesare, wanted to be married, s' be happy, and share my love like my parents. But it's home - all power, and politics, and hungry big gnawing pit. Only stupid. Because they have stupid - stupid mon'gamy. [ Her nose scrunched up, a self pitying sniffle where she stops to just take another long drink of her bottle. ] And it's all the same, everyone else gets to be - to run, about, being young - and still the one - counting wheat for harvest. Having to — clean up the mess. When no one — else wants to.
It's not fair! I should take all the sheep and let everyone else go cold while I have all the cuddles I want with sensible simple sheep!
[ He can’t really understand, and knows he can’t. But it feels like one of those situations he’s not actually supposed to say anything. That giving his opinion is the wrong choice. And boy, is it hard not for him to give his opinion. But he’s always been a little softer for her, always used a different tone than he has with anyone else in town. Because she’s unlike anyone he’s ever known. ]
[ The one singular mercy, is it doesn't last long. burns her out and through as quickly as it sparked. just breaks up into unhappy little hitches of sobs.
that she at least momentarily contains it by: drinking more. stellar plan. ]
's not your fault. Forgive me? Please, pl'se don't be mad. I think you're — a good friend? Loyal. I know... know life not been... kind to you, either. Just... different hurt.
Not good at talking. Can say lots of things, to fill lots of space. But... not like myself. I... am beginning to think I don't know how to. If have to talk like Queen? Then can. Or scold like a nurse? I can cluck my tongue.
Me? Had to put her away, long, long, loooong time. Princess don't get to have friends? So it's... hard to know.
... Five, I was five I suppose before I had to start — taking up m' duties.
[ She swallows down her next mouthful hazily. ]
I liked... liked collecting flowers and... making crowns to weave them. And... and I would want to follow m' brothers everywhere. Only — they had lessons and I did not so — they would hide me in the room so I could listen — and then after they would — read to me. I lik'd being read to.
There was the First - Spirits. Those... those are Time, and Light annnnnd Essence. Essence is - Aether and - stuff. Little, little, little bits of dirt, that sort of - stuff.
But - Time's not seen, you just know it's there. Sometimes. Unless Spirits. Spirits are beginning and end of time, all of time? But still see time happen, even if — only after realise hoooow much.
Like Mice! Mice always everywhere! And you don't see them, you just find litttttle nibbles. So 's just like Time! Always there, and you know it, but never ever see it. "What's always there but you never see it, always running away and never caught? Time!' Then your Babushka's will say 'I thought you meant mice'. Then your Dzadhshku will tell you, Mice help Time being all the places, and tell's Time when to change because time goes on and on and on and might forget the - order it's meant to happen and you will have summer in winter and winter in summer!
But in winter, mice are sooooooo small, and get soooo cold, and don't want to do their work for Time, just want to sleep. So you make snow mice, to help them!
Sometimes I wonder if this is why I think I want to toss half the Void-Touch into the pond for a little while. Not a lot. Not the sea. Just a pond. Like you all very much and - know you do not mean to sound so, none of you do — [ She rubs at her eyes roughly and upset. The unhelpful mutter when she outright huffs. ]
— Tables are not common. Not even heated ones. We do not have those - well, I suppose some Fire-Spirit aligned might. But - tables are not common, they are reserved for those of great wealth.
[ THROWS HANDS UP! ]
Tables! If I told Māte and my sisters at home, they would never believe me.
'S different for me. Queen, after all? 'Nd have to feed people. So have biiiig tables in the feast hall. Like when went to Duchess? The party she had - ? Have to feed everyone, evvverrryy night, so have special - room. For it.
[ Another mouthful. ]
But common folk? Just have... little benches, sometimes, but most - have little stools that they sit at. By the fire. 's not much light, so wanna be close to it, to see.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Don't, please. I can't — can't. It hurts.
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[ She's so upset, and so angry, and so upset.
And decides then, that he was going to listen to it, listen to her vent whether it mattered or not because it needs to go somewhere and she feels like being selfish, feels like taking and stomping her feet and yelling at anyone and everything. ]
'S not fair. I have been - been so bitter - at you. Sometimes. I did not get to — to be young. Did not get to — to make mistakes. Even when everyone made me feel like always was making them. When was your age, I was running a Kingdom 'cause my brother did not want to do — accounts. The boring parts, no one wants to do, too, just like that! 'Stop crying, Gilly! You know I hate it!'
Sisters and brothers got to run around, playing at the taverns, but I had to worry, worry for everyone, before I even turn- turnet-- turned - ten and eight, I had to know what famine stocks we had — and how many sheep were lambing — and how many childr'n died to the spring sickness — not be upset, and always be fair, and never smile, never laugh, never scowl! Did not even teach me to read until had too, and still can't do it — good. Did not even have what I wanted — be married, and have little — little hall of my own to have my own — kitchen and — my own flowers to hang on the door.
Then come here! And everyone says 'don't be s' proper, don't be soooo serious, don't need courting and politics — have what you want'.
But can't, can I? I wanted Cesare, wanted to be married, s' be happy, and share my love like my parents. But it's home - all power, and politics, and hungry big gnawing pit. Only stupid. Because they have stupid - stupid mon'gamy. [ Her nose scrunched up, a self pitying sniffle where she stops to just take another long drink of her bottle. ] And it's all the same, everyone else gets to be - to run, about, being young - and still the one - counting wheat for harvest. Having to — clean up the mess. When no one — else wants to.
It's not fair! I should take all the sheep and let everyone else go cold while I have all the cuddles I want with sensible simple sheep!
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[ He can’t really understand, and knows he can’t. But it feels like one of those situations he’s not actually supposed to say anything. That giving his opinion is the wrong choice. And boy, is it hard not for him to give his opinion. But he’s always been a little softer for her, always used a different tone than he has with anyone else in town. Because she’s unlike anyone he’s ever known. ]
That’s … a lot. A lot to carry.
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that she at least momentarily contains it by: drinking more. stellar plan. ]
's not your fault. Forgive me? Please, pl'se don't be mad. I think you're — a good friend? Loyal. I know... know life not been... kind to you, either. Just... different hurt.
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Like I said I’m not … good at comforting. But I can listen.
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Not good at talking. Can say lots of things, to fill lots of space. But... not like myself. I... am beginning to think I don't know how to. If have to talk like Queen? Then can. Or scold like a nurse? I can cluck my tongue.
Me? Had to put her away, long, long, loooong time. Princess don't get to have friends? So it's... hard to know.
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[ It feels right to ask, since talking to Gilia feels like talking as the person he used to be. Before Mahito. Before high school. ]
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[ She swallows down her next mouthful hazily. ]
I liked... liked collecting flowers and... making crowns to weave them. And... and I would want to follow m' brothers everywhere. Only — they had lessons and I did not so — they would hide me in the room so I could listen — and then after they would — read to me. I lik'd being read to.
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And flowers. Lots, and lots, and lots of flowers.
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[ Not something city boy has ever done, but for her he can try it. ]
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[ There's another sniffle, wiping her face angrily away. ]
Want to come make - snow mice? We make them - in winter out of snow, so's Time knows to come quicker.
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Is there a reason they’re mice? We make snowmen where I’m from.
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[ Drunken! Story! Time! ]
There was the First - Spirits. Those... those are Time, and Light annnnnd Essence. Essence is - Aether and - stuff. Little, little, little bits of dirt, that sort of - stuff.
But - Time's not seen, you just know it's there. Sometimes. Unless Spirits. Spirits are beginning and end of time, all of time? But still see time happen, even if — only after realise hoooow much.
Like Mice! Mice always everywhere! And you don't see them, you just find litttttle nibbles. So 's just like Time! Always there, and you know it, but never ever see it. "What's always there but you never see it, always running away and never caught? Time!' Then your Babushka's will say 'I thought you meant mice'. Then your Dzadhshku will tell you, Mice help Time being all the places, and tell's Time when to change because time goes on and on and on and might forget the - order it's meant to happen and you will have summer in winter and winter in summer!
But in winter, mice are sooooooo small, and get soooo cold, and don't want to do their work for Time, just want to sleep. So you make snow mice, to help them!
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Very kind. But I’d say some people would probably welcome pauses in time.
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Winter here is much, much nicer!
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— Tables are not common. Not even heated ones. We do not have those - well, I suppose some Fire-Spirit aligned might. But - tables are not common, they are reserved for those of great wealth.
[ THROWS HANDS UP! ]
Tables! If I told Māte and my sisters at home, they would never believe me.
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…
What do you eat off of?
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[ Another mouthful. ]
But common folk? Just have... little benches, sometimes, but most - have little stools that they sit at. By the fire. 's not much light, so wanna be close to it, to see.