[ Satisfied with its inspection of the new person, Moon Dregs returns to circling Junpei's head.
The comment causes Junpei's expression to darken. He lowers his head and his voice at the same time. The circumstances under which he obtained his shikigami were not exactly pleasant. ]
I couldn't fight. At all. I wasn't strong enough. When I came across a being that could kill with a touch ... I asked him to show me how. He taught me how to summon Moon Dregs.
...a being? [Natsume repeats it quietly, shifting to sit cross-legged. The darkness in Junpei's tone suggest that this isn't a pleasant story. He remembers then, abruptly, that Junpei is dead at home.]
[ Natsume has a certainty in his voice that yanks Junpei out of the pit he’d been sinking into. He looks back at the other with a startled expression, still tinged with pain but not as hopeless as he’d been a second before. ]
My mother ... he’s why she died too. I know it. I didn’t realize it then ... but joining with him ... if I hadn’t ...
[ Tears start to form in the corners of his eyes, even as he struggles to hold them back. ]
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. I want her back. I want her to be okay ...
[Natsume's breath leaves him in a slow, soft "oh". It -- makes sense, horrific and devastating sense. Creatures like that (demons, spirits, curses, whatever the terminology is) don't care about who they hurt, getting to their goals. They don't care about human connections or how it hurts when those are broken.
He's quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what to say.] ...what would she want you to do? If you were to ask her. What would she say?
[That gets a softer, more genuine smile, and Natsume's tail instinctively flicks over, resting on Junpei's hand for a moment, fluffy and heavy. He could leave it at that, could say "well, that should be enough", but it doesn't feel quite right. It's all very good to remember the wishes of those you've lost, but it's just as easy to tell yourself why does it matter? He knows that very well.
So, after a moment, gathering his courage, because he doesn't talk about this at all:] My, um. My father died when I was very, very small. I can't...remember his face or his voice or...the things he liked to do or...really much of anything about him. [The words are thick in Natsume's throat, and he has to stop for a moment, breathe through them.] But I remember...I remember that he loved me. I can remember that.
[He draws his knees up to his chest, rests his chin on them, glancing sideways at Junpei.] So, when I wanted...when I want to disappear, to not...be anywhere, I. I remember that, once, I was a person someone loved. And that...it still matters. Even though that someone's gone.
[ Natsume’s words strike Junpei dead in the heart, and tears he’d been holding back start to freely flow down the slope of his cheeks and fall to the wooden floor. It starts slow, but soon it’s a deluge, and he begins to gasp out sobs.
Still, he nods. It makes sense. It makes so much sense it’s painful. His mother’s love. It was that powerful, wasn’t it? It could last beyond her. Beyond the abyss that now separated them. She wouldn’t want him to be hiding, and scared, and lonely. His mother was the person he cared about the most in the world - but he was also the same for her. ]
... I-I’m sorry ... let me ... go dry my face.
[ He shakily rises to his feet, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve to at least get some visibility if he’s going to walk to the kitchen. ]
O-Oh, I-- [Natsume's wide golden eyes go even wider for a moment, ears pinning down and back in alarm, before he quickly stands as well.] No, no, let me, one moment.
[He fishes a somewhat faded handkerchief out of his bag, reaching out to gently press it to Junpei's face.] I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
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The comment causes Junpei's expression to darken. He lowers his head and his voice at the same time. The circumstances under which he obtained his shikigami were not exactly pleasant. ]
I couldn't fight. At all. I wasn't strong enough. When I came across a being that could kill with a touch ... I asked him to show me how. He taught me how to summon Moon Dregs.
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[ His posture tenses as he remembers them, quivering slightly. As if he’s afraid speaking of the curse might manifest it here. ]
I was so stupid. I trusted him. I thought I was safe. But ... he was just using me to get to someone else. I was bait. Disposable.
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It wasn't your fault. [Natsume leans forward, eyes serious and intent.] Whatever happened. It wasn't your fault.
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My mother ... he’s why she died too. I know it. I didn’t realize it then ... but joining with him ... if I hadn’t ...
[ Tears start to form in the corners of his eyes, even as he struggles to hold them back. ]
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. I want her back. I want her to be okay ...
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He's quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what to say.] ...what would she want you to do? If you were to ask her. What would she say?
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... she ... she wanted me to be happy. To get out into the world. To meet new people. To find a place where I’d belong and be comfortable.
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So, after a moment, gathering his courage, because he doesn't talk about this at all:] My, um. My father died when I was very, very small. I can't...remember his face or his voice or...the things he liked to do or...really much of anything about him. [The words are thick in Natsume's throat, and he has to stop for a moment, breathe through them.] But I remember...I remember that he loved me. I can remember that.
[He draws his knees up to his chest, rests his chin on them, glancing sideways at Junpei.] So, when I wanted...when I want to disappear, to not...be anywhere, I. I remember that, once, I was a person someone loved. And that...it still matters. Even though that someone's gone.
Does that make sense?
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Still, he nods. It makes sense. It makes so much sense it’s painful. His mother’s love. It was that powerful, wasn’t it? It could last beyond her. Beyond the abyss that now separated them. She wouldn’t want him to be hiding, and scared, and lonely. His mother was the person he cared about the most in the world - but he was also the same for her. ]
... I-I’m sorry ... let me ... go dry my face.
[ He shakily rises to his feet, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve to at least get some visibility if he’s going to walk to the kitchen. ]
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[He fishes a somewhat faded handkerchief out of his bag, reaching out to gently press it to Junpei's face.] I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.