"If there was a button that killed everyone I hated, I probably wouldn't press it ... but if there was a button that killed everyone who hated me, I'd press it without hesitation."
[ Oh. No. He got so caught up in the thrill of guys threatening violence on Cesare on his behalf he forgot about the true meaning of Christmas friendship.
We are? Oh that is nice. I like feeling pretty. Have to be very ss- [ Pause. Words hard. She hiccups, then takes another swig. ] serious at home. Not pretty.
Like how you said boys aren't meant to be pretty! Which is silly. I think you should be pretty all the time.
That - that is always my... my task, is't it? Making people feel better. When they — they make the mistakes!
[ She's so upset, and so angry, and so upset.
And decides then, that he was going to listen to it, listen to her vent whether it mattered or not because it needs to go somewhere and she feels like being selfish, feels like taking and stomping her feet and yelling at anyone and everything. ]
'S not fair. I have been - been so bitter - at you. Sometimes. I did not get to — to be young. Did not get to — to make mistakes. Even when everyone made me feel like always was making them. When was your age, I was running a Kingdom 'cause my brother did not want to do — accounts. The boring parts, no one wants to do, too, just like that! 'Stop crying, Gilly! You know I hate it!'
Sisters and brothers got to run around, playing at the taverns, but I had to worry, worry for everyone, before I even turn- turnet-- turned - ten and eight, I had to know what famine stocks we had — and how many sheep were lambing — and how many childr'n died to the spring sickness — not be upset, and always be fair, and never smile, never laugh, never scowl! Did not even teach me to read until had too, and still can't do it — good. Did not even have what I wanted — be married, and have little — little hall of my own to have my own — kitchen and — my own flowers to hang on the door.
Then come here! And everyone says 'don't be s' proper, don't be soooo serious, don't need courting and politics — have what you want'.
But can't, can I? I wanted Cesare, wanted to be married, s' be happy, and share my love like my parents. But it's home - all power, and politics, and hungry big gnawing pit. Only stupid. Because they have stupid - stupid mon'gamy. [ Her nose scrunched up, a self pitying sniffle where she stops to just take another long drink of her bottle. ] And it's all the same, everyone else gets to be - to run, about, being young - and still the one - counting wheat for harvest. Having to — clean up the mess. When no one — else wants to.
It's not fair! I should take all the sheep and let everyone else go cold while I have all the cuddles I want with sensible simple sheep!
[ He can’t really understand, and knows he can’t. But it feels like one of those situations he’s not actually supposed to say anything. That giving his opinion is the wrong choice. And boy, is it hard not for him to give his opinion. But he’s always been a little softer for her, always used a different tone than he has with anyone else in town. Because she’s unlike anyone he’s ever known. ]
[ The one singular mercy, is it doesn't last long. burns her out and through as quickly as it sparked. just breaks up into unhappy little hitches of sobs.
that she at least momentarily contains it by: drinking more. stellar plan. ]
's not your fault. Forgive me? Please, pl'se don't be mad. I think you're — a good friend? Loyal. I know... know life not been... kind to you, either. Just... different hurt.
Not good at talking. Can say lots of things, to fill lots of space. But... not like myself. I... am beginning to think I don't know how to. If have to talk like Queen? Then can. Or scold like a nurse? I can cluck my tongue.
Me? Had to put her away, long, long, loooong time. Princess don't get to have friends? So it's... hard to know.
... Five, I was five I suppose before I had to start — taking up m' duties.
[ She swallows down her next mouthful hazily. ]
I liked... liked collecting flowers and... making crowns to weave them. And... and I would want to follow m' brothers everywhere. Only — they had lessons and I did not so — they would hide me in the room so I could listen — and then after they would — read to me. I lik'd being read to.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Empty this bottle, eventually.
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Christmasfriendship.I’m … I’m sorry. I won’t hurt him, I promise.
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Thank you. 'M sorry. Shouldn't- shouldn't have - yelled at everyone.
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Is anyone with you right now?
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Like how you said boys aren't meant to be pretty! Which is silly. I think you should be pretty all the time.
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[ Steering away from that topic! ]
I don’t think Cesare was a good fit for you. This was the best decision.
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Don't, please. I can't — can't. It hurts.
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[ She's so upset, and so angry, and so upset.
And decides then, that he was going to listen to it, listen to her vent whether it mattered or not because it needs to go somewhere and she feels like being selfish, feels like taking and stomping her feet and yelling at anyone and everything. ]
'S not fair. I have been - been so bitter - at you. Sometimes. I did not get to — to be young. Did not get to — to make mistakes. Even when everyone made me feel like always was making them. When was your age, I was running a Kingdom 'cause my brother did not want to do — accounts. The boring parts, no one wants to do, too, just like that! 'Stop crying, Gilly! You know I hate it!'
Sisters and brothers got to run around, playing at the taverns, but I had to worry, worry for everyone, before I even turn- turnet-- turned - ten and eight, I had to know what famine stocks we had — and how many sheep were lambing — and how many childr'n died to the spring sickness — not be upset, and always be fair, and never smile, never laugh, never scowl! Did not even teach me to read until had too, and still can't do it — good. Did not even have what I wanted — be married, and have little — little hall of my own to have my own — kitchen and — my own flowers to hang on the door.
Then come here! And everyone says 'don't be s' proper, don't be soooo serious, don't need courting and politics — have what you want'.
But can't, can I? I wanted Cesare, wanted to be married, s' be happy, and share my love like my parents. But it's home - all power, and politics, and hungry big gnawing pit. Only stupid. Because they have stupid - stupid mon'gamy. [ Her nose scrunched up, a self pitying sniffle where she stops to just take another long drink of her bottle. ] And it's all the same, everyone else gets to be - to run, about, being young - and still the one - counting wheat for harvest. Having to — clean up the mess. When no one — else wants to.
It's not fair! I should take all the sheep and let everyone else go cold while I have all the cuddles I want with sensible simple sheep!
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[ He can’t really understand, and knows he can’t. But it feels like one of those situations he’s not actually supposed to say anything. That giving his opinion is the wrong choice. And boy, is it hard not for him to give his opinion. But he’s always been a little softer for her, always used a different tone than he has with anyone else in town. Because she’s unlike anyone he’s ever known. ]
That’s … a lot. A lot to carry.
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that she at least momentarily contains it by: drinking more. stellar plan. ]
's not your fault. Forgive me? Please, pl'se don't be mad. I think you're — a good friend? Loyal. I know... know life not been... kind to you, either. Just... different hurt.
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Like I said I’m not … good at comforting. But I can listen.
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Not good at talking. Can say lots of things, to fill lots of space. But... not like myself. I... am beginning to think I don't know how to. If have to talk like Queen? Then can. Or scold like a nurse? I can cluck my tongue.
Me? Had to put her away, long, long, loooong time. Princess don't get to have friends? So it's... hard to know.
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[ It feels right to ask, since talking to Gilia feels like talking as the person he used to be. Before Mahito. Before high school. ]
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[ She swallows down her next mouthful hazily. ]
I liked... liked collecting flowers and... making crowns to weave them. And... and I would want to follow m' brothers everywhere. Only — they had lessons and I did not so — they would hide me in the room so I could listen — and then after they would — read to me. I lik'd being read to.
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And flowers. Lots, and lots, and lots of flowers.
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[ Not something city boy has ever done, but for her he can try it. ]
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