"If there was a button that killed everyone I hated, I probably wouldn't press it ... but if there was a button that killed everyone who hated me, I'd press it without hesitation."
[He doesn't wait. Heads straight to the clinic, searching Junpei out until--
When he finds him, he stops. Doesn't know how to start. It isn't any easier for having done it already with Mavis and Aristaeus. It's as hard as it was, all over again.]
Hey. [His eyes linger on Junpei a moment, watching his face like every expression is important. Like he might not get to see him again. Then he looks around, unsure if they're alone.] Can we-- somewhere private?
[The look on Junpei's face is awful already. For a second Murphy considers lying, considers saying anything that might change that look, make Junpei soften and smile again.
He doesn't. And he doesn't look away as he starts talking.]
I was with Danny because he's my brother. The Void put us together, back when everyone got stuck in it, because we're the same.
[He's kept it from so many people, this part of him, but especially Junpei. Especially him.]
I was gone because we killed Cesare, and then we tried to... fix us, but we just got sick. That's when I called Ianthe.
[ Instantly, Junpei is shaking his head. Voice soft. ]
No … that’s not true.
[ Suddenly, he’s loud and sharp. Angry. Defiant. ]
Danny can’t love, Murphy. Are you going to tell me you’re just going to wake up one day and kill me for fun? That you telling me you loved me was all a ruse to lower my defenses? Because unless you are, you’re not the fucking same.
[That's not true, Murphy wants to say back, for the idea Danny can't love. He knows he can. Knows it right down into the meat of him. But Junpei understanding that doesn't matter. He needs to understand the rest.]
No. No, I'd never hurt you. [Steady, true, for all that he knows he's doing just that right now. Hurting him.] But I've hurt other people, Junpei. I've killed people because I wanted to. That's the part of me that's the same.
Do you think Danny’s ever felt guilty about killing anyone in his life? Do you think he agonizes over hurting people? Feels shame about it?
… I bet you tell yourself that doesn’t matter. But it does. It’s a huge difference. A massive chasm between who both of you are. You just hate yourself. So you refuse to see it.
[Junpei's close to tears, and Murphy forces himself to keep looking at it. Knowing it's because of him. Knowing he can't comfort it away, despite how much he wants to.
But the mention of John sparks something harder, sharper, snapping,]
What, you think I was okay with Gaius keeping him like a pet? [He wasn't okay with it, isn't okay with it, the insult of it fierce, outraged.] I want to rip that collar off him whenever I see it.
[ There’s an itching. Just under his skin. A warning. If he doesn’t calm down … if he doesn’t step away … ]
John is the only person who should have ever had to deal with Danny! He’s the only one of us who he can’t seriously fuck up! You’re so … so … !
[ There’s the sound of fabric ripping, accompanied by a yelp of pain as he collapses to his knees. Skin bright red. A single, curling tentacle wet with blood having burst from his side. ]
[Whipped out quick in the space where Junpei's words falter. But then Junpei falters entirely, falls to his knees and Murphy's swearing, dropping down next to him, hand pressing tight around the spot the tentacle's ripped out of.]
[ Gasping for air, choking on sobs, Junpei lifts his trembling head to reveal his fringe is now a cluster of smaller tentacles. They squirm energetically as his eyes go wide with panic and he’s trying to scramble shakily to his feet. ]
Not here … ! I can’t transform here! I need to get …
[ He’s trying to focus. To bring himself back from the brink. Hands going to cover his face so he can’t see Murphy. Can’t think about those nights snuggled up close to him. Where he felt safe, and wanted, and loved. ]
… why didn’t you wait until I got home?
[ It hurts to say. To be cross with him. When all he wanted was to adore him. To bask in his love for him. That thing of comfort in a heartless world. ]
If nothing is going to change, why even bother telling me?
[Junpei tries to get up and Murphy tries to help him, awkward and clumsy between Junpei's panic and Murphy's uncertainty. But he's almost stunned by the question, silent for a moment in confusion.]
Cause you deserve to know. I love you, Junpei, I shouldn't be lying or hiding crap from you.
[He'd known that from the start. Didn't need Mavis' hurt to teach him that it would hurt them. It'd been stupid, and wrong.]
[ I love you. Right in the chest. Almost making him physically stumble. He’s so upset. So angry. And it’s with the person he usually seeks comfort from when he’s upset and angry.
He’ll shuffle in the direction of the door, trying his best to disassociate with the intense emotion so he doesn’t fully transform. The itching is still there beneath his skin, more tentacles threatening to burst forth and bring him closer to the breaking point. ]
You’re not him. You’re not. But you seem to want to be, so … I guess what the rest of us see doesn’t matter.
[ Another sharp spike of pain and he’s pushing himself out the front door, hobbling into the street as he tries to put distance between himself and the building. ]
[For what had been the slow unravelling of Murphy's mind. The disconnect between self and body, Void memories wedging themselves in the cracks and wrenching them so wide he thought he was going to split open. They'd both almost died for it, trying to fix it, and the only reason they'd stopped, the only reason he'd called Ianthe, was because he'd seen Danny fevered and delirious and dying and couldn't stand it. Couldn't watch another person he loved die for him.
There's no point trying to explain that to Junpei. He's already a retreating back, a series of denials, an I need to be alone. It hurts, to let him go. Not to be able to follow and help him. But Murphy had brought that hurt on himself. He needed to bear it.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
may 30
I don't know if you're still staying here, but I need to talk to you. When you've finished work, or when you're back.
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How much do you know?
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Where are you? I need to talk to you, I can't do it like this.
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When he finds him, he stops. Doesn't know how to start. It isn't any easier for having done it already with Mavis and Aristaeus. It's as hard as it was, all over again.]
Hey. [His eyes linger on Junpei a moment, watching his face like every expression is important. Like he might not get to see him again. Then he looks around, unsure if they're alone.] Can we-- somewhere private?
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But the moment he sees him, he’s already on the verge of tears. Fear tickles every edge, threatening to burst the dam.
Quietly, he’ll lead Murphy to the small room in the back and shut the door, looking to him with wet eyes. Waiting for what he has to say. ]
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He doesn't. And he doesn't look away as he starts talking.]
I was with Danny because he's my brother. The Void put us together, back when everyone got stuck in it, because we're the same.
[He's kept it from so many people, this part of him, but especially Junpei. Especially him.]
I was gone because we killed Cesare, and then we tried to... fix us, but we just got sick. That's when I called Ianthe.
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No … that’s not true.
[ Suddenly, he’s loud and sharp. Angry. Defiant. ]
Danny can’t love, Murphy. Are you going to tell me you’re just going to wake up one day and kill me for fun? That you telling me you loved me was all a ruse to lower my defenses? Because unless you are, you’re not the fucking same.
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No. No, I'd never hurt you. [Steady, true, for all that he knows he's doing just that right now. Hurting him.] But I've hurt other people, Junpei. I've killed people because I wanted to. That's the part of me that's the same.
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[ Latching on instantly. ]
Do you think Danny’s ever felt guilty about killing anyone in his life? Do you think he agonizes over hurting people? Feels shame about it?
… I bet you tell yourself that doesn’t matter. But it does. It’s a huge difference. A massive chasm between who both of you are. You just hate yourself. So you refuse to see it.
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[He'd tried, for Junpei, for himself. But this was the truth, now.]
But I don't feel guilty for hurting them, or killing them.
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[ Exasperated. Voice hoarse. Tears swelling up fat in the corners of his eyes. ]
He never feels that! He loves what he is! Gets a damn hard on over what he is on the network all the time!
[ A slight tremble. ]
After all the … anger … after all the frustration over people being close to John … this? Really? Are you serious?
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But the mention of John sparks something harder, sharper, snapping,]
What, you think I was okay with Gaius keeping him like a pet? [He wasn't okay with it, isn't okay with it, the insult of it fierce, outraged.] I want to rip that collar off him whenever I see it.
Cw: transformation gore
John is the only person who should have ever had to deal with Danny! He’s the only one of us who he can’t seriously fuck up! You’re so … so … !
[ There’s the sound of fabric ripping, accompanied by a yelp of pain as he collapses to his knees. Skin bright red. A single, curling tentacle wet with blood having burst from his side. ]
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[Whipped out quick in the space where Junpei's words falter. But then Junpei falters entirely, falls to his knees and Murphy's swearing, dropping down next to him, hand pressing tight around the spot the tentacle's ripped out of.]
You okay? There any more?
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Not here … ! I can’t transform here! I need to get …
[ He’s trying to focus. To bring himself back from the brink. Hands going to cover his face so he can’t see Murphy. Can’t think about those nights snuggled up close to him. Where he felt safe, and wanted, and loved. ]
… why didn’t you wait until I got home?
[ It hurts to say. To be cross with him. When all he wanted was to adore him. To bask in his love for him. That thing of comfort in a heartless world. ]
If nothing is going to change, why even bother telling me?
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Cause you deserve to know. I love you, Junpei, I shouldn't be lying or hiding crap from you.
[He'd known that from the start. Didn't need Mavis' hurt to teach him that it would hurt them. It'd been stupid, and wrong.]
I'm sorry.
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He’ll shuffle in the direction of the door, trying his best to disassociate with the intense emotion so he doesn’t fully transform. The itching is still there beneath his skin, more tentacles threatening to burst forth and bring him closer to the breaking point. ]
You’re not him. You’re not. But you seem to want to be, so … I guess what the rest of us see doesn’t matter.
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[He fights the urge to roll his eyes, frustration growing from Junpei's continued denial, from him evoking the same old doesn't matter refrain.]
I'm his brother, not his clone. And if you didn't matter I wouldn't be here telling you.
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[ Another sharp spike of pain and he’s pushing himself out the front door, hobbling into the street as he tries to put distance between himself and the building. ]
… I … I need to go home. I … need to be alone.
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There's no point trying to explain that to Junpei. He's already a retreating back, a series of denials, an I need to be alone. It hurts, to let him go. Not to be able to follow and help him. But Murphy had brought that hurt on himself. He needed to bear it.]